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Tears, Fears, and other Boogeymen

Olaf ajek  

“Fears, Tears, and other boogie monsters”

“You want something to cry about it? Oh I’ll give you something to cry about!” How many of you heard this message growing up?

Today I will explain in simple terms how we’ve been tricked and trained into emotional black out and what it’s costing us!

Did I want something to cry about? Really?

I knew who brought me into this world, and I knew who could take me out!
My mom could be terrifying!

What was happening in my little body in those moments as I fought to hold the tears back for fear of what might come?

Electrical impulses from the hypothalamus, a gland located in the brain, traveled along nerves that directly connected to my adrenal glands and stimulated the release of stress hormones. This is also known as the fight or flight stress response.
Over time I, like many of you, learned that acknowledging these untidy emotions was dangerous! I shut it down. It’s not safe. Don’t go there!

How does this show up in our adult lives?
Insatiable shopping sprees, excessive TV watching, comfort eating, smoking, drugs, alcohol addictions of all kinds!

Our lives are armored with these trigger behaviors that act as body guards, protecting us from feeling. “Ew what is this, an unpleasant emotion? Oh no you don’t. I’ll have double whiskey on the rocks thank you very much, with a generous side of shoe shopping.

There are 2 main ways to be at the mercy of your emotions.
We’ll call them suppression and hysteria.

Let’s start with suppression. Ever try holding in a fart? It can really cramp your style!
Just because your not feeling your emotions doesn’t mean they aren’t stinking up the room!

Suppressed emotion shows up in passive aggressive behaviors.
It distorts your perception, stunts your growth and poisons relationships.

Clear on the opposite side of emotionally slavery we have Hysteria, with it’s selective amnesia, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior.

Hysteria can be a volcanic result of suppression. But for some it’s a lifestyle. It’s not what I mean by feeling your emotions. Hysteria is more like spewing them all over other people. I know because I’ve done a lot that in my lifetime!

Somewhere outside of extremes is an intimate dance of emotional maturity.
At first I thought it was some wuwu psycho babble nonsense, and then one day I experienced it.

I was led through a powerful experience!

I actually felt the emotions and sensed them in my body. Instead of thinking about them, and reacting. It was scary, my hands trembled, I was sweaty and uncomfortable. But I stayed with the whole school of emotions that were swimming inside, shame, guilt, grief, and anger. It was no longer about a story, there was nothing I had to fix or make happen… A voice inside me seething, “run and DO something for godsake, save yourself girl!”

I just breathed. I noticed a felt body sensation for each of these emotions.
I stayed with them they moved and dissipated. That was it? After years of suppressing them, then years of spewing them all over everyone else, this was all they wanted, just to be felt?

Yes that was it. Turns out, my resistance to feeling them was far more painful than the emotions themselves!

It has been said that the heart has the power to ignite the intuition just as the mind has the power extinguish it.

You won’t die if you open your heart and feel these unpleasant emotions. You will however begin to feel safe in your own skin. You will deepen your relationships with people you love, change the areas of your life that you find unsatisfying, while noticing the urges to self-sabotage with addiction are waning.

I invite you to turn on the light, look under the bed, and peek into the dark closet of this quarantined part of your being.

Gift yourself the freedom to feel ALL of it. Is it that simple? Yes, It is easy? NO!
It’s a practice. As you practice your life WILL change!

Go ahead feel it, I DARE you!

Olaf ajek

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Jealous? Who me?

collage by Kara McKay  

Good Girls don’t get jealous? HA!


Your stomach drops and with it goes your confidence. Sounds are garbled behind the deafening thud of your heart and the defensive mind chatter. Inside the locked jaw and grinding teeth subsists your dry sponge of a tongue, saliva like civility, M.I.A.


In the rainbow of ways to be feeling, this one doesn’t seem clean green to me, more like a sludge color.

On the list of taboo emotions, jealousy vies for first place. 


Other times it’s just a mild undertow, a soft growl of envy, like a low grade fever. Whatever the degree of jealousy you’re experiencing, most will agree, it’s not a favorite!


There was a time early in my life, one relationship in particular where I was gutted with it, routinely devastated.  I lashed out at him. I wrote chapters in my journal about the injustice. I lost weight, sleep, and rationale.


At the detonation of that relationship, I realized how inappropriate this jealousy thing was. In a blind backlash, I built a lifestyle around ensuring I was above and beyond such pettiness. Ridding myself of material possessions and refusing to be trapped by monogamy I declared myself impervious to that green eyed monster.


The experiment albeit short, was not without merit. It stretched me and my perspectives in ways this Taurus (Scorpio rising, I know yikes!) never thought possible.


There’s a bullet point here: Although jealousy isn’t pleasant, it’s the resistance, suppression, denial, and guilt of it that causes the agony!


Like all emotions, it is in fact vital information. It is pointing you to a clue. There is a reason for it, if you look a little closer.


“I already have my binge planned for tonight.” 

This week a coaching client of mine opened our session with that confession. 


At the heart of her preplanned binge was an emotion fighting for air. This suppressed emotion was living at the top of her belly. She learned long ago that this emotion was taboo, that “Good Girls Don’t Feel Jealousy!” This myth had been active and driving her behavior for most of her life.


She admitted to feeling jealous and also revealed her humiliation at succumbing to this bad girl wretchedness! 


Eventually she gave herself permission to feel her jealousy for the first time. No acting on it, just being with it. The very act of allowing it to be there was revolutionary for her. The tears flowed taking with them decades of shame.


What followed was a discovery on her path of Self care. It went a little something like this:


I’m jealous of my sisters.

I’m jealous of their material possessions. 

I’m jealous of how they’re supported financially by their spouses.

Do you feel supported in your relationship?

hmmm… Yes, I guess. We chose our arrangement, and actually this isn’t even about finances.

Where are you feeling unsupported? In your relationship?

I want to support around my health, going for walks. (laughter) OMG this is hilarious! All this was really just about asking for more support?!


Staying curious, letting go of old stories, assumptions and judgement can reveal simple life changing truths. 


 1)    Be tender with yourself. Notice when you’re feeling jealous and that there’s an insecure part of you. Acknowledge that part. Where does it live in your body? Make contact. (Remember it’s about you, not them!)

2)    Jealousy is information. There is a craving you haven’t been aware of, or you’ve been denying. Become curious. What is that I desire?

3)    How can I be supported in this? How I can I support myself in this?

4) Wow the fact that it is there before me, is proof that it is possible. What I desire is being modeled for me. I can create this in my own life, or my own version of whatever it is that I am craving.


Emotions rule us when left unchecked. They subvert our highest intentions, causing us to act out in passive and sometimes aggressive ways. There no bad emotions, only unpleasant ones, and even these offer us valuable information.

What/who are you jealous of? What is the next clue on your journey?

Join us this Thursday 6pm PST as we explore  the Emotional Power Center, “Freedom to Feel!” through a FREE group coaching call!

http://www.leelafrancis.com/MC/3monthsfree.htm

 










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