Tears, Fears, and other Boogeymen


“Fears, Tears, and other boogie monsters”

“You want something to cry about it? Oh I’ll give you something to cry about!” How many of you heard this message growing up?

Today I will explain in simple terms how we’ve been tricked and trained into emotional black out and what it’s costing us!

Did I want something to cry about? Really?

I knew who brought me into this world, and I knew who could take me out!
My mom could be terrifying!

What was happening in my little body in those moments as I fought to hold the tears back for fear of what might come?

Electrical impulses from the hypothalamus, a gland located in the brain, traveled along nerves that directly connected to my adrenal glands and stimulated the release of stress hormones. This is also known as the fight or flight stress response.
Over time I, like many of you, learned that acknowledging these untidy emotions was dangerous! I shut it down. It’s not safe. Don’t go there!

How does this show up in our adult lives?
Insatiable shopping sprees, excessive TV watching, comfort eating, smoking, drugs, alcohol addictions of all kinds!

Our lives are armored with these trigger behaviors that act as body guards, protecting us from feeling. “Ew what is this, an unpleasant emotion? Oh no you don’t. I’ll have double whiskey on the rocks thank you very much, with a generous side of shoe shopping.

There are 2 main ways to be at the mercy of your emotions.
We’ll call them suppression and hysteria.

Let’s start with suppression. Ever try holding in a fart? It can really cramp your style!
Just because your not feeling your emotions doesn’t mean they aren’t stinking up the room!

Suppressed emotion shows up in passive aggressive behaviors.
It distorts your perception, stunts your growth and poisons relationships.

Clear on the opposite side of emotionally slavery we have Hysteria, with it’s selective amnesia, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior.

Hysteria can be a volcanic result of suppression. But for some it’s a lifestyle. It’s not what I mean by feeling your emotions. Hysteria is more like spewing them all over other people. I know because I’ve done a lot that in my lifetime!

Somewhere outside of extremes is an intimate dance of emotional maturity.
At first I thought it was some wuwu psycho babble nonsense, and then one day I experienced it.

I was led through a powerful experience!

I actually felt the emotions and sensed them in my body. Instead of thinking about them, and reacting. It was scary, my hands trembled, I was sweaty and uncomfortable. But I stayed with the whole school of emotions that were swimming inside, shame, guilt, grief, and anger. It was no longer about a story, there was nothing I had to fix or make happen… A voice inside me seething, “run and DO something for godsake, save yourself girl!”

I just breathed. I noticed a felt body sensation for each of these emotions.
I stayed with them they moved and dissipated. That was it? After years of suppressing them, then years of spewing them all over everyone else, this was all they wanted, just to be felt?

Yes that was it. Turns out, my resistance to feeling them was far more painful than the emotions themselves!

It has been said that the heart has the power to ignite the intuition just as the mind has the power extinguish it.

You won’t die if you open your heart and feel these unpleasant emotions. You will however begin to feel safe in your own skin. You will deepen your relationships with people you love, change the areas of your life that you find unsatisfying, while noticing the urges to self-sabotage with addiction are waning.

I invite you to turn on the light, look under the bed, and peek into the dark closet of this quarantined part of your being.

Gift yourself the freedom to feel ALL of it. Is it that simple? Yes, It is easy? NO!
It’s a practice. As you practice your life WILL change!

Go ahead feel it, I DARE you!

Olaf ajek

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Meaning in Drain Cleaning


I have made an amazing discovery! Cleaning the drain is an excellent personal growth exercise. So, what do drain cleaning and personal growth have in common? They could really almost be synonyms!

Recently, I noticed the drain in the bathroom sink was clogged. I noticed because the sink was filling up even though the plug wasn’t in. Then it would take a long time for the water to disappear. I looked down the drain. It was very dark and it looked sort of slimy; very unpleasant to say the least. It looked more like a job for my husband, but he was unavailable, so I found some tweezers and dug in.

What I pulled out was downright nasty. Chunks of gooey ooze that used to be nice things like soap and toothpaste. Of course, there was hair in there too. Sludge would be a great way to describe it. You get the picture. I really wished my husband could do this job so I didn’t have to be exposed to such grossness. Then I had a change of heart. I remembered the Vividly Woman practice of being able to find the meaning in any task. So I started thinking about the job I was doing and once I did so, it became rewarding. It actually felt really good to pull out those chunks of yuck. I placed the gobs in toilet paper, rolled them up and threw them away. Sometimes just a little chunk would come out and sometimes it would be a really big one, which became strangely satisfying.

On a superficial level, the meaning in this job was that we would soon have a functional drain again and our bathroom sink would be able to perform its duty as it once had. I was also doing something that expressed my love for my family. But even more than that, I was able to find meaning by comparing the drain cleaning to my own personal growth experience. In fact, it became the perfect metaphor.

First of all, it took a fairly significant event for me to notice that all was not well under the surface of the sink. I didn’t notice until the drain was almost completely clogged. The sink full of water was a big clue. Likewise, it took significant signs in my life to realize that not all was well under my happy exterior. At one momentous personal growth course, I discovered, to my shock, that I had mountains of repressed anger buried deep within me. They were choking off my ability to experience emotion.

Secondly, I wanted my husband to do the drain job for me because I knew it would be challenging and would threaten my love of pleasantness. Have you ever wished someone else could do the hard work for you? With personal growth, only I can do the excavation for myself. There is fear involved, but only beforehand. Once I get involved in the process, I actually love it. It was totally rewarding to pull out those big gobs of muck, just like it is to explore my shadowy side. After a really good cry or any other experience where stuck emotion gets to move, I feel amazing afterwards. And I work so much better, just like my drain!

As I persisted with the drain cleaning, I started to be able to see the original white surface of the plastic tube. That motivated me to clean all the sides so that the entire drain was back to its original cleanliness. So it goes with my personal inquiry. Once I get started, I feel very motivated to keep on getting in touch with the most authentic me. When my body is clogged with residue from unfelt emotions, it’s almost impossible to find my higher self. When I allow those emotions to move through me and when I can be the master of those emotions, rather than the victim, my access to my spirit is free to flow.

Finally, when I finished cleaning that drain, I felt enormously proud of myself, just like I do after deep personal inquiry. Both the drain and I were cleansed. Since then, I watch the drain more carefully and when I see signs of the muck, I clean it right away so the job is not so overwhelming or so gross. I am more attentive with myself too. I don’t let emotions pile up anymore. I give myself full permission to feel my emotions, even if, especially if they are unpleasant. It’s much easier dealing with them one by one than as a coagulation of black mire. Now whenever I use my bathroom sink, I’m grateful for its metaphor. It reminds me that life is about flow and feeling and that I’m powerful when I make the choice to be consciously aware (and that I can do “man jobs”).

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