Tears, Fears, and other Boogeymen


“Fears, Tears, and other boogie monsters”

“You want something to cry about it? Oh I’ll give you something to cry about!” How many of you heard this message growing up?

Today I will explain in simple terms how we’ve been tricked and trained into emotional black out and what it’s costing us!

Did I want something to cry about? Really?

I knew who brought me into this world, and I knew who could take me out!
My mom could be terrifying!

What was happening in my little body in those moments as I fought to hold the tears back for fear of what might come?

Electrical impulses from the hypothalamus, a gland located in the brain, traveled along nerves that directly connected to my adrenal glands and stimulated the release of stress hormones. This is also known as the fight or flight stress response.
Over time I, like many of you, learned that acknowledging these untidy emotions was dangerous! I shut it down. It’s not safe. Don’t go there!

How does this show up in our adult lives?
Insatiable shopping sprees, excessive TV watching, comfort eating, smoking, drugs, alcohol addictions of all kinds!

Our lives are armored with these trigger behaviors that act as body guards, protecting us from feeling. “Ew what is this, an unpleasant emotion? Oh no you don’t. I’ll have double whiskey on the rocks thank you very much, with a generous side of shoe shopping.

There are 2 main ways to be at the mercy of your emotions.
We’ll call them suppression and hysteria.

Let’s start with suppression. Ever try holding in a fart? It can really cramp your style!
Just because your not feeling your emotions doesn’t mean they aren’t stinking up the room!

Suppressed emotion shows up in passive aggressive behaviors.
It distorts your perception, stunts your growth and poisons relationships.

Clear on the opposite side of emotionally slavery we have Hysteria, with it’s selective amnesia, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior.

Hysteria can be a volcanic result of suppression. But for some it’s a lifestyle. It’s not what I mean by feeling your emotions. Hysteria is more like spewing them all over other people. I know because I’ve done a lot that in my lifetime!

Somewhere outside of extremes is an intimate dance of emotional maturity.
At first I thought it was some wuwu psycho babble nonsense, and then one day I experienced it.

I was led through a powerful experience!

I actually felt the emotions and sensed them in my body. Instead of thinking about them, and reacting. It was scary, my hands trembled, I was sweaty and uncomfortable. But I stayed with the whole school of emotions that were swimming inside, shame, guilt, grief, and anger. It was no longer about a story, there was nothing I had to fix or make happen… A voice inside me seething, “run and DO something for godsake, save yourself girl!”

I just breathed. I noticed a felt body sensation for each of these emotions.
I stayed with them they moved and dissipated. That was it? After years of suppressing them, then years of spewing them all over everyone else, this was all they wanted, just to be felt?

Yes that was it. Turns out, my resistance to feeling them was far more painful than the emotions themselves!

It has been said that the heart has the power to ignite the intuition just as the mind has the power extinguish it.

You won’t die if you open your heart and feel these unpleasant emotions. You will however begin to feel safe in your own skin. You will deepen your relationships with people you love, change the areas of your life that you find unsatisfying, while noticing the urges to self-sabotage with addiction are waning.

I invite you to turn on the light, look under the bed, and peek into the dark closet of this quarantined part of your being.

Gift yourself the freedom to feel ALL of it. Is it that simple? Yes, It is easy? NO!
It’s a practice. As you practice your life WILL change!

Go ahead feel it, I DARE you!

Olaf ajek

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Letter to My Mirror Reflection


Dear Mirror Reflection,

Thank you for being you. You are you and I am me. Though we are certainly related, I am not you, and you are not me.

You are a 1 dimensional mirror image of me. I am a multidimensional living, breathing, feeling, sensing sacred temple of womanhood and Goddess essence. I’m happy that you can capture some of me and show me that in color, shape and shadow, but you will never be able to capture the truth of my soul. So while I may enjoy your contribution to my life, you are not an accurate depiction of me. I will not resource you for answers that I can only get from inside of myself. Even when I look to you to see how I look on the outside, I realize that your version of the truth is limited because you don’t have the capability to see inside of me.

Mirror Reflection, I realize that I often place a lot of responsibility on your shoulders when I ask you to tell me how I look, how to dress, or when I critique my body and my looks each time I look at you. Often you don’t get the best of me at all because when I look at you I belittle or judge myself. Here’s the thing: When I’m feeling poorly about myself, feeling like I’m not good enough, not loveable, not successful enough, etc, I often try to make up for what I lack on the inside by how I can make myself look on the outside. Then when, I check in with you to affirm that I look okay on the outside and I find myself lacking in that department too, it just makes everything worse. Those are the times that I just want to crawl in a hole and I feel so ashamed of myself. I would die if anyone knew how yucky I am feeling. In many ways you are my greatest confidant.

Dear mirror, I hate to say it, but you are actually very shallow. You are not a mirror of my soul essence, yet when I look at you I sometimes forget that. Also, for some reason, when I look at you I’m not able to see myself accurately. What I see is skewed by how I feel. I feel fat, I look fat. I feel ugly, I look ugly. But when I’m feeling great, well then you are my best friend because you mirror that back to me beautifully.

My request to you mirror reflection is this: when I look at you, remind me that you are only a reflection of the real me and as such I should remember not to take you so much to heart. It’s okay to look, but for every peek at myself in you I take, remind me to also look inside me for the real me. For every peek at myself in you I take, remind me that what others see of me is actually deeper than what is on the surface that you are able to show me. And for every peek I take remind me that what I contribute to this world goes way beyond what  I am able to make myself look like in the space between the frame that holds you up on the wall.

And one more thing, Mirror reflection: My calling as a women’s spiritual coach brings me into contact with so many women who are claiming their authentic power and Goddess essence from the inside out. You may be able to show us part of what we look like, but it is not anywhere close to the whole beings that we are. You will never be able to do this for us. The real women that we are can only be accessed from the inside.

Thanks for being you. I am not you and you are most certainly not me!

With love,


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