Jealous? Who me?


Good Girls don’t get jealous? HA!

Your stomach drops and with it goes your confidence. Sounds are garbled behind the deafening thud of your heart and the defensive mind chatter. Inside the locked jaw and grinding teeth subsists your dry sponge of a tongue, saliva like civility, M.I.A.

In the rainbow of ways to be feeling, this one doesn’t seem clean green to me, more like a sludge color.

On the list of taboo emotions, jealousy vies for first place. 

Other times it’s just a mild undertow, a soft growl of envy, like a low grade fever. Whatever the degree of jealousy you’re experiencing, most will agree, it’s not a favorite!

There was a time early in my life, one relationship in particular where I was gutted with it, routinely devastated.  I lashed out at him. I wrote chapters in my journal about the injustice. I lost weight, sleep, and rationale.

At the detonation of that relationship, I realized how inappropriate this jealousy thing was. In a blind backlash, I built a lifestyle around ensuring I was above and beyond such pettiness. Ridding myself of material possessions and refusing to be trapped by monogamy I declared myself impervious to that green eyed monster.

The experiment albeit short, was not without merit. It stretched me and my perspectives in ways this Taurus (Scorpio rising, I know yikes!) never thought possible.

There’s a bullet point here: Although jealousy isn’t pleasant, it’s the resistance, suppression, denial, and guilt of it that causes the agony!

Like all emotions, it is in fact vital information. It is pointing you to a clue. There is a reason for it, if you look a little closer.

“I already have my binge planned for tonight.” 

This week a coaching client of mine opened our session with that confession. 

At the heart of her preplanned binge was an emotion fighting for air. This suppressed emotion was living at the top of her belly. She learned long ago that this emotion was taboo, that “Good Girls Don’t Feel Jealousy!” This myth had been active and driving her behavior for most of her life.

She admitted to feeling jealous and also revealed her humiliation at succumbing to this bad girl wretchedness! 

Eventually she gave herself permission to feel her jealousy for the first time. No acting on it, just being with it. The very act of allowing it to be there was revolutionary for her. The tears flowed taking with them decades of shame.

What followed was a discovery on her path of Self care. It went a little something like this:

I’m jealous of my sisters.

I’m jealous of their material possessions. 

I’m jealous of how they’re supported financially by their spouses.

Do you feel supported in your relationship?

hmmm… Yes, I guess. We chose our arrangement, and actually this isn’t even about finances.

Where are you feeling unsupported? In your relationship?

I want to support around my health, going for walks. (laughter) OMG this is hilarious! All this was really just about asking for more support?!

Staying curious, letting go of old stories, assumptions and judgement can reveal simple life changing truths. 

 1)    Be tender with yourself. Notice when you’re feeling jealous and that there’s an insecure part of you. Acknowledge that part. Where does it live in your body? Make contact. (Remember it’s about you, not them!)

2)    Jealousy is information. There is a craving you haven’t been aware of, or you’ve been denying. Become curious. What is that I desire?

3)    How can I be supported in this? How I can I support myself in this?

4) Wow the fact that it is there before me, is proof that it is possible. What I desire is being modeled for me. I can create this in my own life, or my own version of whatever it is that I am craving.

Emotions rule us when left unchecked. They subvert our highest intentions, causing us to act out in passive and sometimes aggressive ways. There no bad emotions, only unpleasant ones, and even these offer us valuable information.

What/who are you jealous of? What is the next clue on your journey?

Join us this Thursday 6pm PST as we explore  the Emotional Power Center, “Freedom to Feel!” through a FREE group coaching call!


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Tip #2 for Embodied Power

Our 2nd tip is: Hang out more in the sensations that correspond to your feelings, instead of the thoughts that justify them.

In the first tip for embodied power I invited you to distinguish between your feelings, your thoughts and your body sensations. So now that you’ve started to get that your emotions are not your thoughts, and that for every emotion there is a corresponding body sensation, I’m going to ask you to start paying more attention to the sensations corresponding to your feelings instead of the thoughts that correspond to them.

What this means is that every time you notice a feeling, notice the sensation associated with it and keep your attention focussed on that sensation. Notice the texture, the temperature, the rhythym, the strength, the pattern of it. Be captivated, absolutley absorbed by it. Doing this will draw you away from the thoughts associated with the feeling. If you notice a running commentary being generated about your noticing of the sensation just bring yourself back to the sensation instead of the conversation in your head about it.

Let’s try it now. Notice what feeling is arising within you now, what emotion is stirring within you. You may be feeling at peace in this moment without a particular emotion, but even feeling at peace has a corresponding sensation. So look for that, notice where you experience your present emotional state in your body, don’t 2nd guess it, just go with whatever comes up first, and notice the texture that is present there, without judgement, without needing to change it, without having to even understand it. Be there for a few breaths with what is present at the level of your body in connection to your emotional state in this moment. I call this attention to our present felt sense experience, loving presence, and it’s a wonderful place to sit, especially if you serve others in a healing way. It encourages you to be present with you as you serve another.

If you can get into the habit of paying attention and maintaining your focus your body sensations, you are one step closer to harnessing the power of your emotions instead of cutting off that very rich source of power by focusing on the thoughts that justify and disconnect us from our emotions.

The longer you can sustain a sense of your body experience instead of being distracted by your thoughts, the longer you will be able to tap into the rich source of power that presence yields.

The more you can do this, the more body centered, or embodied, you will be.

Now I want to address for a moment a question that may come up for you which is, What if my emotional state is overwhelming and I’m in a spiral of emotion that is creating anxiety and distress?

I think you’ll start to notice that the anxiety and the distress are actually perpetuated by your focusing on the thoughts, which is one very good reason to steer away from the thoughts. We’ll look at that more closely when I share my next tip with you.
For now, know that you can cultivate a very powerful place of emotional neutrality, a place of witnessing your emotions from the center of your rich world of feelings, which allows you to resource the power of your emotions without being at the mercy of them, as you practice and master loving presence.

I’ll meet you soon next for my 3rd tip, until then happy sensing!

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