Jealous? Who me?


Good Girls don’t get jealous? HA!

Your stomach drops and with it goes your confidence. Sounds are garbled behind the deafening thud of your heart and the defensive mind chatter. Inside the locked jaw and grinding teeth subsists your dry sponge of a tongue, saliva like civility, M.I.A.

In the rainbow of ways to be feeling, this one doesn’t seem clean green to me, more like a sludge color.

On the list of taboo emotions, jealousy vies for first place. 

Other times it’s just a mild undertow, a soft growl of envy, like a low grade fever. Whatever the degree of jealousy you’re experiencing, most will agree, it’s not a favorite!

There was a time early in my life, one relationship in particular where I was gutted with it, routinely devastated.  I lashed out at him. I wrote chapters in my journal about the injustice. I lost weight, sleep, and rationale.

At the detonation of that relationship, I realized how inappropriate this jealousy thing was. In a blind backlash, I built a lifestyle around ensuring I was above and beyond such pettiness. Ridding myself of material possessions and refusing to be trapped by monogamy I declared myself impervious to that green eyed monster.

The experiment albeit short, was not without merit. It stretched me and my perspectives in ways this Taurus (Scorpio rising, I know yikes!) never thought possible.

There’s a bullet point here: Although jealousy isn’t pleasant, it’s the resistance, suppression, denial, and guilt of it that causes the agony!

Like all emotions, it is in fact vital information. It is pointing you to a clue. There is a reason for it, if you look a little closer.

“I already have my binge planned for tonight.” 

This week a coaching client of mine opened our session with that confession. 

At the heart of her preplanned binge was an emotion fighting for air. This suppressed emotion was living at the top of her belly. She learned long ago that this emotion was taboo, that “Good Girls Don’t Feel Jealousy!” This myth had been active and driving her behavior for most of her life.

She admitted to feeling jealous and also revealed her humiliation at succumbing to this bad girl wretchedness! 

Eventually she gave herself permission to feel her jealousy for the first time. No acting on it, just being with it. The very act of allowing it to be there was revolutionary for her. The tears flowed taking with them decades of shame.

What followed was a discovery on her path of Self care. It went a little something like this:

I’m jealous of my sisters.

I’m jealous of their material possessions. 

I’m jealous of how they’re supported financially by their spouses.

Do you feel supported in your relationship?

hmmm… Yes, I guess. We chose our arrangement, and actually this isn’t even about finances.

Where are you feeling unsupported? In your relationship?

I want to support around my health, going for walks. (laughter) OMG this is hilarious! All this was really just about asking for more support?!

Staying curious, letting go of old stories, assumptions and judgement can reveal simple life changing truths. 

 1)    Be tender with yourself. Notice when you’re feeling jealous and that there’s an insecure part of you. Acknowledge that part. Where does it live in your body? Make contact. (Remember it’s about you, not them!)

2)    Jealousy is information. There is a craving you haven’t been aware of, or you’ve been denying. Become curious. What is that I desire?

3)    How can I be supported in this? How I can I support myself in this?

4) Wow the fact that it is there before me, is proof that it is possible. What I desire is being modeled for me. I can create this in my own life, or my own version of whatever it is that I am craving.

Emotions rule us when left unchecked. They subvert our highest intentions, causing us to act out in passive and sometimes aggressive ways. There no bad emotions, only unpleasant ones, and even these offer us valuable information.

What/who are you jealous of? What is the next clue on your journey?

Join us this Thursday 6pm PST as we explore  the Emotional Power Center, “Freedom to Feel!” through a FREE group coaching call!


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Compare Yourself or Inspire Yourself, You Choose

Anthropologists would say that women’s drive to compete and compare with other women is the primal procreational drive to deter our mates from straying to other eligible child baring women. Apparently it’s the survival of the species that keeps us comparing ourselves and watching out for other women who might steal our mates.

Well, as primal as I like to think I am, I disagree. Because you see, even though I wholeheartedly want and support the continuation of our species, and while I do believe that we are physiologically and instinctively wired to do that, I believe that comparing and competing have more to do with our compulsion and drive to grow ourselves, creatively evolve and connect.

I believe that women envy and compare ourselves with other women as a way to connect with other women. We need to connect for our own survival and sanity, and that competing and comparing helps us to get into each other’s skin and motivates our creative drive to grow and develop ourselves to fit in and in turn be sought out for connection by other women.

In and of itself this creative urge to connect and grow is a gift and opportunity. The problem starts when we decide that just because we like and want what another woman has, or the way she looks or acts, that must mean that our present circumstances must be pathetic, wrong, bad or not good enough. This in turn causes us the feeling of low self esteem, self judgment and self-deprecation. But Sisters we don’t have to spin that way. We could instead be inspired by what we observe in others, instead of being discouraged by it. And let’s face it, what you like about the world around you is what you aspire to become, so that’s how it’s going to play out anyway.

So instead of getting down on who we are today, let’s celebrate who we are now even as we aspire to who we are on our way to becoming. We are all growing and becoming and changing whether we like it or not. So celebrate the evolution by celebrating even what we leave behind because without each stepping stone in the journey, there would be no journey!

Flip it!

If you want to flip comparing and competing to make them work for you, (because you’re going to compare and compete anyway so you may as well make them work for you), use your comparisons to inspire you instead of beat yourself up.

The next time you find yourself comparing, take a breath and smile and say “thank you Sister for the inspiration!”

Love and sisterhood,

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