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I Really Am From Venus!

 

 

Last year, I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. After reading the chapter about men and Mars, I thought, “Wow, that sounds very familiar”. Then I read the chapter about women and Venus, and I don’t think there was a single thing with which I could identify. I was working with a life coach at the time and lamented to him, “I think I’m from Mars!” It was really news to me that women feel better when they talk out problems and issues. I was used to the masculine tendency of holding it in and trying to figure it out myself.

Thanks to my work with Leela and Vividly Woman, I am happy to say I am now totally from Venus. After Dance your Power, my husband, who is well versed in body language, even noticed that I was using more feminine facial expressions.

This new relationship with my feminine side became even more apparent to me recently. One night, after watching a biography of a writer whose mother died, I couldn’t get the thought of death out of my head. Usually, that is the furthest thing from my mind, as I enjoy living very much. However, on this night, I started imagining how I would feel if different people died.  I would try out one person and then another and another. It was so morbid and I became very unsettled. I tried just thinking about something else, distracting myself by reading positive uplifting articles, thinking about yummy food, but death kept on coming back.

What really shook me up was thinking about how I would feel if my kids died. That brought up a dark shadow for me. This thought pops into my head periodically. I believe that I’m not afraid of dying myself, but the thought of the death in relation to my children is terrifying. I have always been able to replace that dark thought with a happier one, until this night when one of my deepest fears seemed to grow and grow. I tried really hard to get through it by myself, not wanting to upset my husband, and so eventually I fell asleep, alone with my fears.

Usually things look better in the morning, but not in this case. I kept being visited by the same thought processes. I decided I did need to share it with my husband, because the vice was growing in my mind. I didn’t even really know what to say, so I started with something a little more vague around the subject of death. Eventually, I just had to get it out and so I shared what I was scared to share.

I’m so glad I did. My husband held me as I cried and asked, “What can I do for you right now?” I whispered, “Just hug me.” It felt so good to have that release. He also asked me, “Is this intuition?” (pointing at his heart) “or monkey mind?” (pointing at his head).  This comment alone took so much of the anxiety out of the situation. As soon as I remembered to check in with my body, I realized it was all in my mind.

As I began to feel more settled, he asked me where I thought that fear had come from. I said that I didn’t know and then thought about it a bit. He asked how long I had been having that fear and I said a long time; ever since we have had kids and even longer. Then I remembered something really key (which I never would have remembered if I would have tried to process this fear on my own).

When I was in high school, grade 10, I went to a psychic. She said so many things that have come true. I remember at one point, she said I would have two kids and then a little later, she said, “Oh, maybe you only have one child.” I realized that in my wish to prove to myself that she had been a good psychic, I had turned that statement into the belief that I would lose a child.

I shared that experience with my husband and he pointed out, in such a level-headed way, that likely most of what she said hadn’t come true and that it was just one possibility. I know that my thoughts create my reality and I know I have so much power. I no longer need to revisit one psychic’s view of point from two decades ago. Being able to reflect on the source of that fear and go deeper into it than I ever have before was so healing.

I’m so glad that I trusted my intuition, which continues to grow stronger, and shared my experience with my husband. There was a time, not too long ago, where I would have kept my fear in and let it grow and fester and do lots of damage. I let my body guide me. It knew that these thoughts needed to move out into the open, where they could have some light shed upon them. I feel so feminine after having processed this experience. Feminine, in a powerful way, where there is emotion moving, there are hearts connecting, there is intuition being trusted. I am SO from Venus!

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Planned Imperfection

 

 

I have an amazing painting at my house that is done in the encaustic style. Beeswax is melted and applied to the canvas and there is also some pigment. The artist must work quickly to work with the wax as it hardens. My painting is a black and white portrait of a woman gazing wistfully upward. It is extremely well done, almost perfect, save for one feature. The artist, Bigoudi, always lets some of the wax and paint drip down the canvas, on purpose. She told us that she lets this happen in all of her paintings, to remind us that life is imperfect and so is art and that it keeps us real, just like her paintings. I love that she is not striving for perfection, she is striving for art and beauty and story.

I was reminded of my painting today because of another experience. I have been trying out a new way of eating to see if I can “rearrange” some parts of me that have caused me grief for many years. The regime is quite strict and I was lamenting to my husband that I have lost my enthusiasm for it. I love nutrition and food and am always learning about what is on the cutting edge of information. I have experimented with many different styles of eating and tend to jump in with both feet, into wildly drastic change. Of course, I tire of the structure and abandon it when I feel too deprived. I have learned that feeling deprived is one of the worst ways I can feel. There is nothing juicy about deprivation!

So anyways, I was mentioning to my husband that I was feeling deprived and my enthusiasm was waning, even though I was seeing results after only two weeks. He replied that of course I felt this way, I was trying to do the shift “perfectly”. He suggested that if I were a little more lenient and gentle with myself that I would probaly feel better and less deprived. I have not been one for breaking many rules in my life, although I am learning that not all rules are good rules. So, the last few days, I have planned for some imperfection. Nothing really major, but just some little moments where I purposefully eat what I am not supposed to. So long Good Girl, I am having a blueberry today! How clandestine! You may laugh, and I do too, but it is actually a really big deal. I have never before planned for imperfection. It is really liberating.

Today I was at a health food store with my 7 year old daughter, Zoe, and there were samples out on the counter. I gave her a tiny piece of banana bread and then took a little forbidden square of pleasure for myself. My daughter raised an eyebrow and a big smile grew on her face. She declared, “Good for you Mommy!” She knew I had just broken a rule and that it was a big deal. She likes to follow the rules too, so I feel like I set a really good example today. Definitely not the original vision I had for myself when I was a new mother, but infinitely better and more powerful. I am teaching her that a little fun never hurt anyone, that being gentle with ourselves is a great investment and that planned imperfection can be really, really liberating.

I am so grateful for the lesson I learned from my gorgeous painting. The black drips run down the stark white canvas in places where they shouldn’t be. They are reminders that imperfection leads to deep, deep perfection within because when we accept ourselves for who we are and know that “I am enough”, life becomes infinitely beautiful and fun.

PS Although it pains me to do so, I left a spelling mistake in the 3rd paragraph, at my insightful husband’s suggestion.

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